I've been out of commission on the blog-o-sphere as of late. More than a year, I think, since my last post. Not sure why I am returning, other than hoping that maybe this is another space to release my energy into the world.
I'm a big believer in what you put out to the world will eventually come back to you. I operate, as much as I can being human and all, in a way that I'd like to feel energy eventually coming back to me. This idea is being tested, though. People I love very much have had many blessings in their lives, but have been proverbially shit on over and over and over again. People who have the kindest hearts I have known. After all they have been through, the struggles still continue. The face new and insurmountable struggles. So strange how one person can make such a large impact on one family. Her actions have not affected me in a direct way, and yet these actions make me question everything I believe, and all the work I have done up until now.
While my first inclination was to be angry...no...not just an inclination...I was angry. I am angry. I pulled out every name in the book and yelled it from the rooftops. But, this is not the energy I wish to release into the world. So, with that, I wish this person a peaceful heart and a tranquil mind although her actions are to the contrary. I can only hope Karma begins to finally work her magic for those I love. They deserve a return on their Karmic investments.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Still work to be done.
Wow. I had a great time at work yesterday. In perfect alignment with my new journey of reconfiguring my brain to be more positive, we had a Laughter Yoga and Meditation Instructor come to work with us at a self care workshop. It was great. I really enjoyed myself and the time spent with coworkers just being silly. Additionally, the guided meditation was exhilarating. There were many times I was smiling in amazement about where I was in my mind. He also gave us a great little mantra....
I love you. I'm sorry. Please Forgive Me. Thank You.
It roots are in Buddhism I believe is what he said. The basic premise is that we go into all interactions with a preconceived notion of the person with whom we are going to interact. By saying this prior to those interactions, especially if we fear they will be stressful, this can help to calm our minds. You are no longer thinking about how bad it is going to go, rather you are focusing on the statement which creates a different space in which the interaction can exist.
It really fits perfectly in everything I have learned up until now about not taking things personally and understanding that everyone comes into being through their own stories and experiences. Those are the only things they have to frame who we are, so we can't beat ourselves up so much based on others reactions to us. Additionally, we can't beat them up either because they may not be at a point where they recognize the same things we do.
That being said, I was faced with putting this into action yesterday and I am still wrestling with it today. I got to the workshop late and I jumped right into the laughing exercise that was taking place. It was not until after the workshop that I was told I got eye rolls from a woman from another agency. It was then discussed by her and her coworker as to whether or not I was wearing a bra. In addition to this day, I also found out that she has previously asked my coworkers what they "think" about me. Hearing all of this, I immediately became defensive and pissed and sad and questioning "who am I?" "what did I do to create this hostility?" However, looking back on the way this woman interacted in the workshop, her energy was very low and quite negative. She did not want to be there. I would guess our energies are very different and slightly at odds. Something about her story has me playing a part I'd rather not play. But, I can't help that. I have to realize it isn't personal. Or perhaps it is...perhaps I have slighted her at one point although I do not remember meeting her. Even so, her story has prevented her from seeking me out to discuss such a slight, so again, I can't fix what I do not know is wrong either.
What is frustrating is that I still find myself thinking about it today. Obviously...I'm typing this whole darn thing, aren't I? But, I think I'll be okay. And btw, I was not wearing a bra then and I'm not wearing one today either. In my story, that is perfectly fine:-)
I love you. I'm sorry. Please Forgive Me. Thank You.
It roots are in Buddhism I believe is what he said. The basic premise is that we go into all interactions with a preconceived notion of the person with whom we are going to interact. By saying this prior to those interactions, especially if we fear they will be stressful, this can help to calm our minds. You are no longer thinking about how bad it is going to go, rather you are focusing on the statement which creates a different space in which the interaction can exist.
It really fits perfectly in everything I have learned up until now about not taking things personally and understanding that everyone comes into being through their own stories and experiences. Those are the only things they have to frame who we are, so we can't beat ourselves up so much based on others reactions to us. Additionally, we can't beat them up either because they may not be at a point where they recognize the same things we do.
That being said, I was faced with putting this into action yesterday and I am still wrestling with it today. I got to the workshop late and I jumped right into the laughing exercise that was taking place. It was not until after the workshop that I was told I got eye rolls from a woman from another agency. It was then discussed by her and her coworker as to whether or not I was wearing a bra. In addition to this day, I also found out that she has previously asked my coworkers what they "think" about me. Hearing all of this, I immediately became defensive and pissed and sad and questioning "who am I?" "what did I do to create this hostility?" However, looking back on the way this woman interacted in the workshop, her energy was very low and quite negative. She did not want to be there. I would guess our energies are very different and slightly at odds. Something about her story has me playing a part I'd rather not play. But, I can't help that. I have to realize it isn't personal. Or perhaps it is...perhaps I have slighted her at one point although I do not remember meeting her. Even so, her story has prevented her from seeking me out to discuss such a slight, so again, I can't fix what I do not know is wrong either.
What is frustrating is that I still find myself thinking about it today. Obviously...I'm typing this whole darn thing, aren't I? But, I think I'll be okay. And btw, I was not wearing a bra then and I'm not wearing one today either. In my story, that is perfectly fine:-)
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A New Adoration for Life!
Sadly, Josh does not have the same zest for life that I do right now which is ironic as just months ago he was saying he is the happiest he has ever been, and I was still a blubbering mess on the couch (pre-lexapro). But, I am so happy. I mean, there are things I'm still working on, and sometimes I get down on myself about choices I'd rather I didn't make. For the most part though, I'm loving life. I love yoga. I look forward to it rather than forcing myself to go when I first started it. I went rock climbing again last night with Josh. That was so fun! I climbed 3 walls. I also have an insane bruise on my arm from what I am assuming is the first climbing experience on Friday with Josie. Seriously, I bruise so easily. I'm suprised I don't pass out sometimes from the amount of blood that flows not in my veins but subcutaneously. I guess it is still in my body, so that probably helps.
I'm also still waiting for my stylist to get back from her funfilled vacay on the beach. I have found another picture that I think might be more me, yet still scene-a-riffic. Maybe a titch more color in with the blonde, but who knows. A place to start at least! I have to wait until the first week of March anyway, so I'll let ya'll know what happens when it happens.
Oh, and I talked to my long time friend Shana yesterday. That was awesome. So glad I did not screen that call. Always good to talk to a friend who has known you for a lifetime and knows all your quirks and quandries in life! Love you Shane!
I'm also still waiting for my stylist to get back from her funfilled vacay on the beach. I have found another picture that I think might be more me, yet still scene-a-riffic. Maybe a titch more color in with the blonde, but who knows. A place to start at least! I have to wait until the first week of March anyway, so I'll let ya'll know what happens when it happens.
Oh, and I talked to my long time friend Shana yesterday. That was awesome. So glad I did not screen that call. Always good to talk to a friend who has known you for a lifetime and knows all your quirks and quandries in life! Love you Shane!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
To my faithful readers...
I'm sure there are many of you. Things have been hectic right now. Between dealing with what seems to be an continually blossoming relationship with the legal system, teaching, working, being sick, and life in general, I have just kind of been zoning out.
But, honestly things are going really well. Teaching is awesome so far again and it sounds like I may be on again for the Fall despite budget cuts. It appears as if Seeds might be okay as far as the state budget is concerned as well! So, work for me appears to be somewhat secured for now. I was also notified that I now qualify for UNI benefits which I was not aware would be happening as an adjunct. That means Josh finally has insurance....thank goodness. That boy is falling apart at the seams! Plus, he wants to stop smoking, so now we can get him on a med for that.
My mental health is going relatively well. The Universe definitely knows what we can handle and when. It is amazing that some of what I most feared has happened, and I have really sailed through now that it. I think what has already happened is the easy part though. Josh has a hard road ahead of him in seeking sobriety, and I as his partner will in turn have a long road. My therapist suggested Al-Anon for me. I never thought I'd be attending something like that. But, I'll do my part to be a strong support system for Josh!
All last weekend I was sick with the BIG D!!! I didn't feel sick, but I couldn't eat much and was completely drained, so I slept the entire weekend. I didn't get my hair colored because of this! Now I have to wait for her to get back from Florida. I did stave off the sickness long enough to have a wonderful night at Spicoli's watching Soul Fusion. A night of dancing to them is like a good therapy session. I adore losing myself in the music and not giving a care how I move or what i look like. Just rocking out to the music. Best thing ever! I didn't stop dancing their entire set. The only thing I regret about that night was how many people were there that I knew. It was the best and worst part of the night. Seeing all those people were awesome, but it meant I beebopped around the bar and never really spent quality time with anyone. I also ended up being fairly enibriated which means I was probalby not someone to you'd want to spend quality time with anyway:) Oh well, I had fun. I need to stop overanalyzing and just appreciate it for what it was. Still my negative self creeping in...grr!!!!
OH, and I started Yoga with a friend, Kristi. So far, soooo hard! But I love it, and the instructor reads a snippet at the end of each meeting. It is like she is psychic. during cool down, I always do a little mediation for myself, and she always reads something that corresponds perfectly with what I am meditating over already. Definitely something good I'm doing for myself. I still need to go rock climbing with Josie. I'll have such a well rounded workout routine with all these things going on!
Well, there is a little update. Now I need to catch up on all your blogs...cause I haven't been on the blogspot in a minute!
But, honestly things are going really well. Teaching is awesome so far again and it sounds like I may be on again for the Fall despite budget cuts. It appears as if Seeds might be okay as far as the state budget is concerned as well! So, work for me appears to be somewhat secured for now. I was also notified that I now qualify for UNI benefits which I was not aware would be happening as an adjunct. That means Josh finally has insurance....thank goodness. That boy is falling apart at the seams! Plus, he wants to stop smoking, so now we can get him on a med for that.
My mental health is going relatively well. The Universe definitely knows what we can handle and when. It is amazing that some of what I most feared has happened, and I have really sailed through now that it. I think what has already happened is the easy part though. Josh has a hard road ahead of him in seeking sobriety, and I as his partner will in turn have a long road. My therapist suggested Al-Anon for me. I never thought I'd be attending something like that. But, I'll do my part to be a strong support system for Josh!
All last weekend I was sick with the BIG D!!! I didn't feel sick, but I couldn't eat much and was completely drained, so I slept the entire weekend. I didn't get my hair colored because of this! Now I have to wait for her to get back from Florida. I did stave off the sickness long enough to have a wonderful night at Spicoli's watching Soul Fusion. A night of dancing to them is like a good therapy session. I adore losing myself in the music and not giving a care how I move or what i look like. Just rocking out to the music. Best thing ever! I didn't stop dancing their entire set. The only thing I regret about that night was how many people were there that I knew. It was the best and worst part of the night. Seeing all those people were awesome, but it meant I beebopped around the bar and never really spent quality time with anyone. I also ended up being fairly enibriated which means I was probalby not someone to you'd want to spend quality time with anyway:) Oh well, I had fun. I need to stop overanalyzing and just appreciate it for what it was. Still my negative self creeping in...grr!!!!
OH, and I started Yoga with a friend, Kristi. So far, soooo hard! But I love it, and the instructor reads a snippet at the end of each meeting. It is like she is psychic. during cool down, I always do a little mediation for myself, and she always reads something that corresponds perfectly with what I am meditating over already. Definitely something good I'm doing for myself. I still need to go rock climbing with Josie. I'll have such a well rounded workout routine with all these things going on!
Well, there is a little update. Now I need to catch up on all your blogs...cause I haven't been on the blogspot in a minute!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Scene Hair Part Duex
LOVE HER HAIR! I don't even care that upon saving this pic, it was automatically labeled emogirl...I'm embracing my poser emo spirit within! My Appointment is Monday since I have it off and I'll be celebrating President's Day! Woot woot!
Scene Hair?
So I am mortified. I am apparently a "life is painer". This is my and my husband's pet name for emo kids. But I'm finding, as I am on my quest for cute, sassy, short hair, I am discovering that there is a name for the hairstyles to which I am drawn. Scene Hair or Emo Hair. Eeeegads! My recent quest is color. I want streaks of vibrant fun color in my hair. As I'm searching for this on google...I kept coming up with "scene hair".
Well, I don't care. I think we all know I'm definitely part of no particular scene unless it is the "heading into her mid-30s" scene. I hear it's pretty cool, so I'm pumped for joining the scene with my new Scene Hair! I called to make an appointment today, so get ready people. I'll be all over the scene. SCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I don't care. I think we all know I'm definitely part of no particular scene unless it is the "heading into her mid-30s" scene. I hear it's pretty cool, so I'm pumped for joining the scene with my new Scene Hair! I called to make an appointment today, so get ready people. I'll be all over the scene. SCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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