So, I've been absent again. Sorry peeps. I'm sure there are so many of you just dying for an update. Well, I've been sick. I'm still not sure why or what it was. I think it was a combo of the flu the side effects of the Wellbutrin I had started. Either way I was out of it for a good 4-5 days. And now I have a head/chest cold. Fun times!
Before I got sick, I committed to a new journey. A quest to refocus, re-energize, and find value in my life again. I decided that I would start taking anti-depressants despite my reluctance and truly commit to therapy. The Wellbutrin did not sit well with me at all! I will hopefully find something that works when I visit the doctor this week. I have my 3rd therapy appointment this week. Last week was very good and set me on a great path. I had a wonderful holiday weekend. There were some set backs and old props I leaned against, but I can easily recognize them now. I can only do my best, which will never be perfect, but I'm not trying to be perfect.
I bought the two books above in an effort to help me focus my energies. I talk a big game, but often I do not walk the talk. It was also called to my attention in therapy that my negative self is always waiting in the wings to jump out and scold me or those around me. She needs to take a chill pill! I'm hoping these books help me to tell my negative self to go take a breather. It is funny, even as I read the Four agreements, I find myself nearly crying. Crying because I know a lot of what I've been doing is so unhealthy for me and those around me, and crying because I don't know if I'm ready to let go and truly make a change, and crying because I'm scared to see what happens if I do really invest in this change. I'm such a huge creature of habit and control.
I haven't even started A New Earth. The Four Agreements are going to be difficult enough. They sound so simple, yet the agreements I have already made throughout my life are so ingrained in my being that it will be difficult to break them and enter into these new ones. I'm am excited though. Only good can come from what is on the Horizon.
For those of you who have an interest, the four agreements that I am attempting to incorporate into my life on a permanent basis are:
1. Be impeccable with my word...(NO MORE GOSSIP, NO MORE HATEFUL SELF TALK.)
2. Do not take anything personally...(If I'm being impeccable with my word, than your issues with me are more about you than me.)
3. Don't make assumptions. (about myself or others...ask questions!)
4. Always do your best. (My best will look different everyday, maybe every minute, but if I'm trying my best in the moment, than I won't set myself up for failure.)
4 comments:
Good for you, I think this is something that is really going to be good fo you to invest in. I know we have talked about this but I am proud of you for taking a step forward. I am glad that things are going well with Ann and I wish you only the best on your quest to a healthier/happier you. You can do it!
Down with hateful self talk...but can you give up gossip? I don't know that I could live without my daily does 'o' Perez. Does it count as gossip if it's just about lame-o celebs?
Yeah, the gossip will be a difficult one to leave behind. My first goal will be gossip about "real life". I've said it time and time again, all it creates is a sense of false intimacy. When negative talk about others becomes the only thing you have in common with someone, it kind of sucks. So, that is my goal for now. Build relationships with meaning, and steer clear of building my ego with negative talk about others.
How disappointing...in #2, than = then...grrr.
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